why did i connect???

i connected because it felt like home... i had recently been brought back from my prodigal travels (lol), and had begun service at the church that i was a part of... at the time, there was no joy in the service i was providing, and it was beginning to move on me that the church that i was attending had served its purpose by reawakening me...

it was one of these days that i was invited by a friend... once i walked in, it felt like home, and i knew i was meant to be there for some time...

stream of conciousness

ok, first of all, this assignment was intended to be done first thing in the morning, so i am already behind... behind, that is a comment that i am all too familiar with... for the greater part of my life i have felt like the one that is behind... just by a step or two, but just enough to be annoying... the funny part is, that i couldnt tell you who i was comparing myself to before... now, however i can say that i have developed a pattern for the nonsense...

i find someone that i admire, someone that has something that i aspire to have, and i try to emulate some of their positive habits or qualities... this is ineffective for the most part, since the things meant for others are not meant for me, and it took me some time to figure that all out... its only now, as i am writing this that i am truly coming to terms with that... i am not to be like someone else, i am to be something different, unlike any other...

ive got my own pot in this whole big thing, and i gotta figure it all out... ugh.. that means more work for me to do... where am i supposed to find the time to do all this work... with school starting soon, it will be increasingly difficult for me to do all the things necessary to fulfill my purpose, unless i streamline some things out... what is going to fall by the wayside???

interesting question...

The "what if" entry...

just had an idea, a whole entry answering simple, "what if" questions...  sounds plain, but im gonna give it a shot anyway...

in a few...

"Too much love for self leaves no room in the heart for others..."  -me

thoughts for the day- parallel consciousness

im starting to believe that i exist in multiple dimensions, that there are many "me's" running about the universe that all seem to connect in this instance known as my body.

i know this sounds weird, but take a moment and hear me out...

i teach by profession, and while teaching is  a challenging venture, its not the most "intellectually stimulating" profession in the world...  the main focus is just managing the classroom, keeping the kids from killing each other...  there are points in the day where i find myself miles away from myself, lost in thought, or lost in non-conscious action.  ive traveled to lunches with friends and had conversations that i could have SWORN were real.

ok, im done with the crazy talk...  back to the tangible reality that is before my eyes right now...

summer school has proven to be more of a joke than the regular school year...  it would be a logical conclusion to think that the kids here would be actively trying to pass, seeing as though they a) want to graduate on time and b) don't want to lose out on any electives by taking the class again in the fall.  but taking into consideration that for most of these kids this is the 3rd time they have taken this course, its pretty reasonable to not see stellar performances.

one of the reasons i find it hard to focus i feel has just a little to do with the changes taking place this summer...  some of which i will discuss, the rest ill keep to myself... 

 but in due time...

for now, i must go...  i am lacking in more to say...

"Too much love for self leaves no room in the heart for others..."  -me

juneteenth: a worthwhile celebration turned fail

I meant this as a return to the world of writing, but as I began to type out my pre-determined title I realized that I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

I mean, what is there to be said.  Juneteenth was initially a celebration of the news reacing Texas that the war was over, and that the slave were all free.  And that is a great thing to celebrated. What isn't celebrated is that we were the last to know.  Ever since, Texas has been one of the slowest states to change.  But I am not here to talk about that.


In truth, I have no clue what to say.  As a non-writer (science teacher by trade) I am allowed to be a less-than-fantastic linguist. But even so, I have come to understand that my oratorial shortcomings have the potential to be exaggerated in the generation to follow, so I must be mindful of what is said, and how I say it. Though the majority of young adults I see everyday may not be aware of it, I'm rubbing off on them.  At least I would like to believe so, it gives me hope for them. 


I'm by no way saying that I am the best example for them to follow. I'm far from it. I would however like to believe that the way I manage my life, surroundings, and relationships gives them ba window into how a responsible adult carries out daily life.


I think I can get used to this again.  Should be an interesting summer, if I can ever start it.
Thanks for listening.

still cant sleep...

im still restless, i dont think im done...  

post ike, everyone has been talking on the tv and radio about getting back to a state of normalcy...  i dont think i want that...  i wasnt very happy with normal...  to be quite honest, it wasnt really working for me...  my life was pretty stagnant, so many things were falling by the wayside for me, i was taking on far more than i should, thinking that the quantity of service that i did was what mattered...  or so my actions would denote that...  

truth be told, ive been in way over my head for some time now, and i think at this very moment ive just realized that...

im a jumper... if i find something good, something that i like, something that i feel benefits me, i jump in head first...  and the freefall is beautiful, its the single most exhilirating feeling ever experienced...  until i land flat on my head...  after impact, i deal with the pain, pick up the broken pieces of what is left of myself, and trudge forward, towards the next cliff that awaits me...  

ive done this time and time again with my relationships with women, with jobs, etc...  what i never expected is that i would do the same with my relationship with God...  

but now that the honeymoon is over, what is my next step...  

for me, its re-evaluation...  i have a foundation that needs to be checked, and a place to set some strong roots...  in nervous, but at least i caught myself before impact this time...  

i think...

pray for me...

i cant sleep

ok, its been quite some time since ive seen this hour without reason...  usually if i were to be awake now, im doing something that i probably, better yet assuredly, have no business doing...  

i cant sleep...  i cant get comfortable...  and that means one thing, its finally time for me to write...

about what, i have no clue...  my mind is a blank slate, covered in invisible scribble so small and moving so quickly that i cannot decipher it...  and its pretty darn annoying...

i was involved in an interesting conversation about dreams yesterday, and i had a moment...  as one of the contributors began to talk about their dream, i could immediately figure out the symbols and the meanings...  i was given an interpretation so profound and clear that all i wanted to do was stop everything and tell them...  and i didnt... it still burns inside of me...  but theres a part of me that feels that this person will believe me to be insane to give my interpretation...

i think im gonna do it...  be right back...